A Day In The Life of Adrienne Perrot (+ The Self-Doubts).
In the past week, The Self-Doubts have hit again.
These annoying things sneak up and yell, "Surprise! We're here!"
They hit every few months. A nagging sense of "Adrienne, you suck" overcomes me and I can't shake it.
The Self-Doubts. They're here.
However, if I've learned ANYTHING over the past three years of self-discovery, IT. IS. THIS.
When The Self-Doubts hit, DO SOMETHING.
DO NOT (AND I REPEAT, DO NOT) CURL UP IN A BALL IN YOUR BED FOR THREE MONTHS.
DO NOT CURL UP IN YOUR BED FOR THREE WEEKS.
DO NOT CURL UP IN YOUR BED FOR THREE DAYS.
DO NOT EVEN CURL UP IN YOUR BED FOR THREE HOURS.
This last one is most important.
The three hours that you spend in bed will lead to 3 days, or 3 weeks, or 3 months of staying curled up in your bed.
WHEN THE SELF-DOUBTS HIT, GET UP AND DO SOMETHING.
TAKE ONE SMALL STEP.
So today, a day where I am very much living and breathing The Self-Doubts, I DID SOMETHING.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 13TH, 2016
6 a.m.: My iPhone alarm goes off. I hit snooze.
6:09 a.m.: My iPhone alarm goes off. I hit snooze.
6:12 a.m.: I slowly open my eyes. It's still dark out. Hmmm. The Self-Doubts are still here. They did not magically disappear overnight. I just want to stay in my bed. My bed is very cozy.
6:12:07 a.m.: DO NOT LET THE SELF-DOUBTS WIN.
6:12:10 a.m.: I sit up in my bed.
6:13 a.m.: I fumble for my phone. A BodyTalk client has emailed me with some questions about her health. I do not know all of the answers. In fact, I don't know any of the answers. All I know is that she will find her answers by looking within. She knows what she needs to do (even if she doesn't think she knows). Hmmm. I reply with two short paragraphs. I end by saying I look forward to her next session. I wonder if my reply helps. Probably not as much as she'd like.
6:37 a.m.: I get out of bed. I pull open my blinds. The sun is starting to seep across the skyline. Today, the sunrise is shades of blue.
6:42 a.m. As I pull on my workout clothes, I have a moment. I stop what I'm doing and think, "If I just went back to bed, I could go to the gym this afternoon and workout later instead."
6:42:18 a.m.: DO NOT LET THE SELF-DOUBTS WIN.
6:42:26 a.m.: I pull on bright pink gym socks.
6:51 a.m.: I stir my oatmeal after having eaten a banana and orange. Some days I nourish myself well. Some days I do not. Today is somewhere in between.
7:27 a.m.: I arrive at the gym. As I pull on my running shoes, Matt (the trainer) asks me what's going on today. He asks me what I need. I tell him, "I'm feeling The Self-Doubts." He nods. He knows what I need.
8:11 a.m.: I am sweating profusely. Step, step, step. For the first time ever, Matt has made me listen to a 10 minute inspirational YouTube video while on a machine. I've seen him do this with other clients, but today is my inaugural YouTube video day. As the speaker talks about believing in yourself, I feel the emotion rising up into my throat. I do not cry. I've cried more than a few times at the gym. Today is not that day. I focus on the words instead. Step, step, step.
9:48 a.m.: A legal client emails to confirm our 3 p.m. phone call. Immediately after I reply, The Self-Doubts raise their voices. What if what he needs is not something I can do?
10:16 a.m.: I work my way through a slight backlog of emails. I schedule a few things. I make a call. I read the Law Society requirements. I finally create my letterhead. I confirm two shoots. I upload 52 Pioneers footage onto a hard drive. In short, I focus on doing what I know how to do. I forget about The Self-Doubts for a little bit.
12:57 p.m.: I stop for lunch. I warm up some turkey soup that my mom sent home with me after Thanksgiving.
2:51 p.m.: I look at the time stamp in the corner of my laptop. Whoa. I got some stuff done. It's like I forgot about everything else for a moment. Even The Self-Doubts.
3:19 p.m.: I hang up the phone with my client. Huh. I can do what he needs. I know where to start and I know the language he's looking for. Maybe I kind of know stuff about stuff.
4:56 p.m.: I am driving to the office of my coach, Kimberly. I am dreading our session a bit, because in sessions, I have to talk about the hard stuff. I know I will have to talk about The Self-Doubts.
6:09 p.m.: I feel so much relief. Kimberly helped me remember that The Self-Doubts are only trying to protect me. The Self-Doubts are just doing their job. In fact, The Self-Doubts aren't really real.
6:21 p.m.: I simultaneously pull up to the home of my friend, Susan, and make a phone call to Pam, a woman who I'm going to start renting session space from. Pam and I confirm the details of my sublease. I hang up the phone thinking, "That was easy...and actually really fun." I remember that I LOVE to build connections. I LOVE relationships. I LOVE people. Huh.
6:31 p.m.: Susan and I walk through the October chill to Prairie Harvest Café. We walk inside and join Jen T and Julie. I sit down. I look around. I am surprised to realize that I feel none of The Self-Doubts. I only feel excited. I get to spend the next two hours with some of my favourite people.
7:57 p.m.: I ask Jen B, "So what date are we having the Onesie Xmas Party at your house?" Onesies = zip-up pajamas with feet. She confirms December 17th. I add this to my calendar. I smile a huge smile. I am a big kid.
8:36 p.m.: Susan and I sit in my vehicle outside of her house. We talk about choosing to do work that we love with people that we love and letting go of the need to do work that simply elevates our status. I get what she's saying. I see her.
9:51 p.m.: I am now back to my bed, curled up and cozy. I write in my daily journal. Here is what today says: "The answers to The Self-Doubts are within. I know what I need to do. And today, I did not curl up in my bed. I chose to take a step. Then another. And another. In so doing, I took a bunch of little steps closer to who I really am. I strengthened my body and my mind. I strengthened my relationships with people I love. Today, The Self-Doubts propelled me forward. Today, they did not win."
Every single day with The Self-Doubts is a choice. On the days when you have the strength to take a step forward - any step forward - I hope you do. You might just realize that the key to overcoming The Self-Doubts is within.
You might just realize you had the answer all along.
You might just have one of the best days of your week.
P.s. Need some help moving through The Self-Doubts? Book a BodyTalk session or ask me to capture some photos to remind you of your brilliance. You are so not alone. I see you.